You don’t actually want love. Not yet.

What you want, what you have been chasing is to be picked, chosen, validated. You want someone to point at you and say, “You. You are the one. You are finally enough. Now I see you. I choose you.” Because somewhere deep down in your system, you internalized a very dangerous equation.

To be chosen is to be safe.

To be desired is to be valuable.

To be wanted is to be worthy.

And anything that threatens that equation, anything that reminds you that real love is quiet and steady, you reject it.

Because being picked by someone you had to earn, especially someone emotionally unavailable, chaotic, hard to impress, that feels like redemption. That feels like healing. It’s not. It’s just another performance.

You know what? Let’s rewind.

Because this didn’t start with romance. This started long before. Maybe it was a parent whose love you had to earn. A caregiver who praised you only when you were useful, but never when you were hurting. A family system that rewarded performance and punished emotional needs.

So you adapted. You learned to be easy, charming, smart, helpful, pleasant. Never too much. You became whoever you needed to be just to avoid abandonment. You became the version of yourself that was most likely to be chosen and the version of you that was not, you buried them. Now you are grown, but the wound remains.

You say you want love, but what you mean is validation.

You say you want partnership, but you mean a witness who will finally say you are good enough.

You mistake anxiety for chemistry.

You mistake distance for mystery.

You mistake someone’s unpredictability for a challenge you need to win.

Because deep down, you believe that the harder they are to earn, the more valuable you must be if they choose you. So you choose unavailable people and call it fate. You pine after the one who won’t text back and call it romantic tension. You ignore the steady love that feels unfamiliar because deep down your nervous system is wired for chaos.

You are not addicted to love.

You are addicted to performance.

You are addicted to pursuit.

You are addicted to trying to prove that you are enough.

And love?

True, grounded, emotionally secure love. It won’t make you prove anything. Which is why it feels boring, foreign, off. Because real love does not spike your nervous system. It doesn't trigger your fight or flight. It doesn’t make you question your worth every five minutes. Real love does not feel like conquest. It feels like home. And to someone who was raised to perform, home feels suspicious because it does not ask you to earn it.

So what are you really afraid of?

Because you are not afraid of rejection.

You are afraid of being seen without the sparkle.

You are afraid of being held when you are not impressive.

You are afraid of being truly known.

Because what if when you finally stop performing, no one stays? What if when the mask comes off, the love disappears? That’s the core wound. That’s the haunting fear. So you keep reaching for the fantasy. If I can get that person to choose me, that person, the avoidant one, the emotionally distant one, the one that does not choose anyone, then maybe I am finally good enough. But that is not healing. That is self abandonment in disguise. That’s tying your worth to someone else’s inability to love properly.

You don’t want to be loved.

You want to be exceptional.

You want to be the one who changed them.

You want to be the one they couldn’t ignore.

You want to be the person who finally got through to someone who would never let anyone else in.

Because if you can earn the love of the emotionally unavailable, then maybe finally you can stop doubting yourself. You can stop asking what is wrong with you? But this is where the whole thing collapses. Because even if they choose you, you still won’t believe it. Because the wound didn’t begin with them. It began with you. And no one can love you into healing the parts of yourself you refuse to meet. So how do you heal this? How do you go from chasing validation to actually letting yourself be loved?

Continue Reading on Inner Practice: You Want the Feeling of to be Picked to Feel Worthy

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Further Reading:

Tolerance is Strength

Trauma is your Expansion

Strength of Patience

Reincarnation

Trust

Net Worth

If You are Having a Hard Time Now

Find Your Purpose

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